Fruitful

I heard this song last week and felt like it summarized so well where I was a year ago. And now, somehow through the grace and mercy of the Father, I've learned to trust Him.

From This One Place by Sara Groves

I was about to give up and that's no lie
cardinal landed outside my window
threw his head back and sang a song
so beautiful it made me cry

took me back to a childhood tree
full of birds and dreams

from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else

I don't know what's making me so afraid
tiny cloud over my head
heavy and grey with a hint of dread
I don't like to feel this way

take me back to a window seat
with clouds beneath my feet

from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else

VBS

Last week I went back home to help out at Vacation Bible School. I've always loved VBS and this year was no different. I love seeing a church care more about kiddos loving Jesus than their building. As I left on the last day I saw a roundish pink spot on a wall about three and a half feet up. It made me smile to realize that it was probably from the back of a kid's pink-hairsprayed head on crazy hair day. In my mind I could see him lined up next to the wall, waiting to go into Missions, completely unaware that the paint didn't have a chance against his fuchsia hair do. I love seeing a group of adults and young people sacrificing their time to have fun with kids because they want them to get to know Jesus. I love spending a week/getting to know/having a blast with kids I may or may not know. But I think what I love the most about VBS is that it's a week of hearing and remembering the most basic and profound truths of my faith.

The theme this year was about Creation. And I think the main message there is that you are special because God made you in his own image and He loves you SO much that He died for you. I've become used to that message because I've been hearing all my life, but it is so powerful. I don't know if I can ever truly grasp the big-ness of that truth or if it will ever really permeate all the way through. It's funny how something so foundational and so much a part of me can still be new and breathtaking.

As is not-so-unusual I was also taken by a song this week. My mom spent her week with Kindergardeners and she came home singing this song. Again, it's something so simple yet so...true.

My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty
There's nothing my God cannot do
My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty
There's nothing my God cannot do

The oceans are his
The mountains are his
The stars are His handiwork too

My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty
There's nothing my God cannot do

Remembering Faithfulness

On my way out the door the other day, leash in hand, I had one of those moments when a thought floats into your mind completely out of the blue and leaves you befuddled. I could almost feel it fluttering around my head a few seconds before it came to rest in my mind. The thought was this, "Sometimes God reveals His faithfulness and sometimes He asks us to remember it." So I've been chewing on it ever since. I have to say that I usually prefer God to do the first. I mean, wouldn't you? But I don't know how much growth actually occurs when nothing is asked of us. Ultimately, I think it has a lot to do with what we NEED (not always what we want). No doubt, God has chosen to demonstrate His faithfulness to me and I think it's usually when I don't have the strength, energy, or sometimes faith to remember on my own. In those moments I think that God, the Father, either out of pity or loving kindness recognizes my needs and reminds me of His goodness and faithfulness. Call it a time of refreshing, the Holy Spirit speaking, some kind of spiritual battery pack boost, whatever. But I don't think it's growth. It seems to me that growth occurs when God doesn't run to us when we fall off the bike and skin our knee and instantly kisses it away. I think that sometimes God holds back to see what we'll do...will we pitch a huge fit about how he didn't catch us when the bike started wobbling, or will we go to our mental bank account and withdraw on the memory of His previously deposited faithfulness?

One of my all time favorite CS Lewis quotes talks about something very similar. It comes from "The Screwtape Letters" which is a satirical collection of letters from a senior demon to his novice nephew demon. Enjoy! :)

"Merely to over-ride a human will (as His felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. For His ignoble idea is to eat the cake and have it; the creatures are to be one with Him, but yet themselves; merely to cancel them, or assimilate them, will not serve. He is prepared to do a little overriding at the beginning. He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. But He never allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs—to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. We can drag our patients along by continual tempting, because we design them only for the table, and the more their will is interfered with the better. He cannot "tempt" to virtue as we do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger, than when a human, no longer desiring, but intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."

For me, I think the obedience I'm often called to is remembering God's faithfulness, goodness, and control over every situation. And then once I remember I'm to trust, to stop the sin of worrying, the idolotry of valuing my fretting more than God's perfect providence, and simply rest in Him.

In Every Change He Faithful Will Remain

There's something about old hymns that really inspire me. I think it's because they speak of the faith of earlier generations. I hear hymns and I can hear my grandparents singing. Quiet country spiritual giants who, because of their faith and obedience, made a legacy for me. Hymns remind me of God's goodness and unchangable and timeless nature. My mom told me once that when she sings hymns that her great grandmother sang, that since God is unable to be bound by time, He hears them together as if they were standing side by side. What an amazingly mindblowing thing to be able to worship a timeless God with people I've never met but have played a huge role in my life. And I don't have to wait til Heaven to do it!

So, here's one that means a lot to me right now.

Be Still My Soul - Written in 1752
Be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain
Leave to thy God to order and provide
In every change He faithful will remain

Be still my soul, thy best, thy Heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end

Be still my soul, thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake
All now mysterious will be bright at last

Psalm 37

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4. I've heard this verse all my life. It's one of those go-to verses that people like to pull out on a fairly routine basis and it sounds so easy. It seems to me that it's very similar to the No Idols Allowed commandment or, as Jesus put it, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength." I mean, isn't that essentially what "delighting yourself in the Lord" means? To not care about ANYTHING as much as you do the Father? To not want, need, or crave ANYTHING in addition to Him? To be so filled with awe and wonder at His majesty, goodness, faithfulness, and love that everything else pales in comparison? To have such a peace and be at rest in the loving, secure arms of the Father God that all troubles and worries seem insignificant and petty compared to His greatness and authority? But, of course, it's not as easy as it sounds. I mean, sure it's a lovely place to visit on Sundays and during devotional times and bible studies, but who has ever actually been able to live there ALL the time? Seriously? How can it be sustained? Even David, who spoke these words, wasn't successful at it. Not that he's alone...in fact, it's more difficult to think of a biblical character who DIDN'T struggle with this. Ultimately I suppose that it's one of those things that we can only hope to continue to grow in and as we choose to depend on God he will show Himself worthy which enables more trust and so on...

But...now to the real question: How can you strive for that and still have "desires of your heart?" The name of this blog is "Be my one thing" and it comes from a prayer that God would be the Lord over everything in my life. How can I pray that prayer and still have desires, yearnings, wants? I read yesterday that having those things is a sign of a deluded heart, a heart that misleads, confuses, and divides you. The problem is that in those moments when I make a conscious decision to drag all of the clutter off the throne of my heart and put Jesus back where He belongs, it's not like all of those things just go away. Now they're just in a pile on the floor. So, is it enough to diligiently keep things in their proper place? Or does a true delight in the Lord mean that all of those other things melt away? I'm leaning toward the first one, mostly because I don't know how to do the 2nd one, and it opens the doors for a lot of guilt and self doubting but not necessarily conviction.

As I've been writing this, I keep hearing that conversation that Jesus had with Martha after she tattled on Mary for not helping out in the kitchen..."Sarah, Sarah, you are worried about many things, but only one thing is needed." (Ok, so I personalized it...) I don't really know if this applies to the first part, or if Jesus is telling me I'm thinking too much and not to worry about it. :)

Big Girl Pants

Yesterday was my last day as a first year teacher (in public school anyway, and let's face it...that's pretty much what counts). I cannot tell you how happy I am to be here. I can honestly say that this year has been one of the most challenging of my life. I've never really known for certain if this is where I'm supposed to be. Frankly, I'm not real clear on how God does the whole "I'm placing you here for (fill in the blank) reason, and here's how you know" thing. Whether He had this place specifically in mind or if He wanted me somewhere else and I missed the memo (seems unlikely and a little cruel to think that He would decide to play hide and seek with it if it was so important) I don't know. Regardless, because He's God and He's bigger than any possible mistake I could make, He was still able to work in me and (hopefully) through me. I am so grateful for this.

In a lot of ways I think that the reoccuring theme Author and Finisher of my faith has woven through this year has been about trusting His love and faithfulness. I'm not sure why I am the way that I am, but I REALLY don't like feeling out of control or un-secure. A few weeks ago I chaperoned a field trip to the City Museum in St Louis where a kid dared me to try out the human hamster wheel with her. Not wanting to look like the big sissy that I am, I did it. I was fine until I realized that I had somehow managed to get myself UPSIDE DOWN!!!! She was running like a normal person, but I was running (feeling out of control) with my hands along the "floor" and my feet along the top/side. Like an ninny, I panicked and said, "we need to stop, we need to stop, WE NEED TO STOP!!!!!" Honestly, what was the worst that could have happened to me? I mean, really? I'm glad that I put my big girl pants on and did it, even if I may have embarrassed myself a little there at the end, but I wish I was more naturally adventurous. I wish I didn't always have to fight fear, whether justified or not.

I think that the same part of me that doesn't like being out of control physically also buckles at the idea of unknown. Frankly, I don't know if there's anything I dislike more than change. Usually it's because I can't imagine the new thing being better than what I've had and I'm sad for what I'm leaving behind and scared for what lies ahead. The move I made last summer to start a teaching career was much more bitter than sweet. Not only was I moving to an unknown place (hadn't even seen the house I was moving into!), but by January both of my younger brother had plans to move too. My close knit family that had never lived outside the same county was scattering all at once. Furthermore, I was struggling to accept my singleness and have trust about my future and was failing miserably. When I started my classes, I was faced with a challenging group of students that pushed me in a way I didn't know I could sustain. Yet, here I am at the end of that school year. And God has provided. I don't know if this year has been one big object lesson for me, as in "Remember how I took care of you back in 2010? Do you REALLY think I wouldn't take care of you now?" Maybe. I just know that I'm grateful that He's so present in my life and that He's always providing for my needs, even when I don't have a good understanding of what they are. Psalms 62:11-12 says, "One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving." What an amazing, awesome, capable, trustworthy God we serve!

Father, may I continue to find rest in you. Thank you for the reassurances, thank you for the gift of salvation that makes me your child and makes me unshakable when I'm leaning on you. Thank you for being a strong God that is mighty to save, strong enough to handle anything. Thank you for being trustworthy. Your love endures forever. YOU, O GOD, ARE STRONG, AND YOU, O GOD, ARE LOVING!!!!!!


Psalm 62
My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
How long will you assault a man?
Would all of you throw him down—
this leaning wall, this tottering fence?
They fully intend to topple him from his lofty place;
they take delight in lies.
With their mouths they bless, but in their hearts they curse.
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
Lowborn men are but a breath,
the highborn are but a lie;
if weighed on a balance, they are nothing;
together they are only a breath.
Do not trust in extortion or take pride in stolen goods;
though your riches increase, do not set your heart on them.
One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard:
that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving.
Surely you will reward each person according to what he has done.

Thanks Dad! :)

I don't know if it's a girl thing, or if it's just a me thing, but I've been realizing just how much I appreciate feeling taken care of and provided for. In my parents' driveway tonight as I was getting ready to make the trip back home I noticed that my Dad had filled up my car with gas when he had driven it earlier today. I thought, "Aw, that's so sweet! Thanks Dad!" It wasn't until a couple hours down the road that I realized he'd cleaned my windows too. For some reason this was too much. I actually cried. I think it's because I know that that's just Dad being Dad - taking care of me in little ways that remind me that he cares.

About half an hour later I was in the middle of reminding myself that God is a provider God, a God who can be trusted to do what He says He's going to do, and be who He says He's going to be when I turned a corner and saw the most B-E-A-UTIFUL (!) sunset I've seen in a long time. It was breathtaking and miraculous and waiting around that corner for me. It was as if God was hearing all my confused mutterings about His own nature and decided to shush me. It was the "picture worth a thousand words" that basically said, "Be still and KNOW (deep, deep down to marrow) that I am God (and I've got it ALL under control)." Then, the road curved around about 10miles later so that I got a whole other sunset. The Ozarks being what they are, I had lost my bearings a little and thought that the sunset was behind me, so when I saw a different, though just as beautiful, sunset, it took my breath away in surprise and wonder. The only thing that came to mind was the word "lavish" - I felt lavished upon.

I know that they seem small, sunsets and washed windows, but they both served as reminders of my Father's love. Reminders that God, like my earthly Dad, takes care of me when I'm not looking just for the simple reason that He loves me.


Wow.



How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called CHILDREN of God! And that is what we are! I John 3:1

A Cracked Vessel

So, I just ran across a blog post that posed an interesting question. It said, "Does God have the right to crack the vessel if breaking it is the fastest way to share what He poured into us?" Because I'm kind of having a cracktastic day, I have to say that my immediate response is to cross my arms in a full pity party toddler fashion, stick my lower lip out and and say, "NO!" "God DOESN'T have a right to do that! What He has poured into me is for ME! And besides, I don't LIKE being cracked." We won't even go into how flawed that response is, but if my mom were here she'd probably be belting out some Linda Ronstadt. As it turns out, it's pretty hard to have a proper "feel-sorry-for-me" session when the person who's supposed to be sympathesizing is singing "Poor, poor pitiful me!" over you.

My second response to the quote, was the realization that even though I'm cracking right and left, the things that are leaking out are not exactly holy. It's bitterness and negativity and distrust. Even though I would probably be justified to feel those things, it's certainly not Love, or Joy, or Patience, or Self Control. Furthermore, if that's not coming out, then what's the point? I've been missing opportunities and due to my self focus the people in my life I have stewardship over haven't seen the Father reflected in me (or if they have, it's been through no effort on my part). I think that's the most "cracking" realization of all.

A deeper look

The last couple of days I've been thinking about the pharisees. On Sunday the pastor at the church I've been going to talked about Mark 3 where there's a story about Jesus going to the temple on the sabbath. At the same time there's a guy there with a shriveled hand and everyone is watching to see if Jesus is going to heal him. Jesus gets angry with them for having hardened hearts and heals the guy anyway. The pastor said that they had hardened hearts because they were arrogant which is something I've always been taught, but this time I wondered if there was more to it.

The last few months I have spent A LOT of time in the Old Testament, a place I don't usually choose to spend a lot of time in. But I've gained a better understanding of man's nature to wander and also of God's jealous nature for his children. Where I'm at right now is after Manasseh (sp?) had just doomed the Isrealites to some serious punishment by breaking the final disloyal, disobedient, idol worshipping straw. And now God is going to allow his children to be disciplined out of love so that everyone will know that He is the Lord, the One in control, worthy to be trusted and worshipped. So everything has been set in place and soon the exhile will begin.

So I guess what I've been wondering about the Pharisees is if they learned their lesson a little too well. Were their hearts hardened because they were afraid to let any little thing slide? As in, "sure - it starts out innocent, like healing on the Sabbath, but where does it end? With Ashtoreh poles in the temple beside the alter? We've already been exhiled a couple times now, we'll just play it safe, if you don't mind." The problem with the Pharisees is that they lacked the relationship with God that would have allowed them to understand the meaning behind all of the rules and regulations they were so bent on enforcing. But is that even their fault that they were terrified of the slippery slope? How could they have known about the relational side of God until the curtain was torn in the temple that symbolized the end of separation between man and the Father? Their religion was dead and they didn't even know it. But is that something to scorn? Was it their fault that they had missed a big piece of the picture? Weren't they just doing what they'd been taught? I'm not saying that they weren't arrogant, because it is certainly clear in other places that they were, I'm just wondering if there's more to the story.

I think that the saddest part of the Mark 3 story is that even when Jesus Emmanuel, God WITH us, the very One who brings an end to the separation, tries to show them that there's more to it than they know, they reject it and begin to plot his death. For us, I think that it's so easy to get caught up in traditions and potlucks and miss the true heart of God. Let's face it, we're just one or two prideful steps away from being just like them. My prayer though is that when Jesus asks me to take a deeper look, that I won't be afraid.

Ah, the irony (Quick! Call Alanis!)

Why does it never fail that when you start to have a "pat on the back moment" because you happened to say something extraordinarily profound in the exact moment it was called for, you almost instantly have to eat your own words? Really God?!?! REALLY?!?! Is this fun for you? I'm not saying that I don't see the irony, I mean sometimes, who can miss it? I'm just sayin' I don't appreciate it.

Today I had a talk with a student about having control of his actions. That people who don't control their actions and behaviors wind up doing a lot of things they never wanted to do in the first place. We also talked about how there are a lot of idiots out there. Believe it or not, there are more than just the 3 or 30 in the classroom. And there's not a thing you can do about any one's actions but your own. So, because there are always going to be people who do things that you don't agree with, it's important to have control of your own actions so that you can live with yourself at the end of the day....blah, blah, blah. Believe me it sounded profound at the time...now, maybe not so much.

Actually, to be honest, it DID feel like one of those out-of-body-Holy-Spirit-talking-through-you moments. Now I'm starting to think that it might have been more for my benefit than my student's. I'm pretty sure he's not sitting at home ruminating over my words of wisdom...

The last few days I've been MAD!!!! The last time I blogged I was mad about some personal things, but yesterday and today I've been upset for other people. I don't spend much time being angry, so I kind of don't know what to do with myself to have been on a three day binge. I think what frustrates me the most is the feeling of powerlessness. I want to DO something! I want everyone to know how wronged these people have been. I want their offenders that I previously respected to be publically rebuked. Mostly, I want people to do what is right and to have integrity and to stop trying to cover up their own mistakes at the expense of others. Is it really so much to ask?

I read today that the basic formula for a story is conflict, crisis, resolution. And that conflict without resolution is whining. I pretty much agree with that, but I'm struggling to find a resolution. If it's true that I only have control over my own actions, that doesn't necessarily mean that a resolution will be met. The question is, what do you do when you feel like you can't do anything?

Reckless Raging Fury

A few minutes ago I was really upset about some things. Most of the time when something upsets me I get emotional and sad. This time it was all of the usual things but I was also getting mad. I don't get mad at God very often, but I was definitely working up a full head of steam and a quality pity party. I've been a Christian all my life and I know all of the theologically correct answers to questions like, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" "If God knew this was going to happen, why did he allow it?" and "How come life's just not fair?" But I have to say that knowing all of the answers doesn't make hardship any easier. It's sooooo easy to spout off the Sunday School response, but I'm pretty sure that when people ask those questions (well, me at least...) they're not actually ever going to be satisfied with the answers. It's like a doctor telling a patient in labor "Yup! You're pregnant allright!" and then leaving. Thank you Captian Obvious. It's not that it's a false statement, no one is doubting the truth of what has been said, but it's not what was necessary at the time and the needs of the individual were left unmet.

A few minutes ago my Great Physician understood this concept about me and answered me in a different way. He barely brought to mind an old Rich Mullins song. By barely I mean that the same line kept running through my head and I couldn't remember the rest so I became even MORE frusterated than I already was. In my irritation, I decided this new thing was something I could actually DO something about so I went online to look up the lyrics. When I found the website, there were several song lyrics on the same page. As I scrolled down I was reminded of other songs until I found this one:

There's a wideness in God's mercy I cannot find in my own
And He keeps His fire burning
To melt this heart of stone
Keeps me aching with a yearning
Keeps me glad to have been caught
In the reckless raging fury
That they call the love of God

Joy and sorrow are this ocean
And in their every ebb and flow
Now the Lord a door has opened
That all Hell could never close
Here I'm tested and made worthy
Tossed about but lifted up
In the reckless raging fury
That they call the love of God

There was a link to a scripture next to the song so I clicked on it and it was the secret prescription that my Great Physician wanted me to find.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.
Romans 8:18-27

Thank you Jesus for reminding me that you understand my needs more than I ever will. Thank you for meeting me where I am, even if it's right smack dab in the middle of a childish hissy fit. Thank you for your reckless raging fury love that hurts sometimes but makes me worthy and lifts me up.

Ephesians 1

Read this tonight at Bible Study and I felt like God took my breath away with a reminder of his goodness and endless love.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.

For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.

In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.

In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.

What this says to me is that from the beginning of time the unfathomably huge, awesome, creator, Father, God CHOSE me(!) to be with him. Not only that, but that he didn't do it out of a sense of obligation or even just as an expression of his goodness. Instead, it says that it was in acordance with his pleasure and will. He did it because it made him happy to do it. Making me holy and blameless is not just a pet project he's picked up because he doesn't have anything better to do on a Saturday. It actually makes him happy. As corny as it is, He doesn't "just" love me, he likes me too! And because of this, not only am I redeemed and forgiven, but I'm an adopted daughter! Oh! Thank you Jesus!

Best April Fool's Day!

So for April Fools I took some multicolored mold that I may or may not have have found in my fridge, put it in a petri dish, and told my students that it was "Neutropenic mycellium" - A very rare fungus that releases highly toxic spores that can cause serious neurological effects up to and including death in a matter of minutes. While they were taking their test I "accidentally" knocked it off the table, stared at it for about a second, then ran out of the room. After about half a minute they all come running out of the room with their shirts over their mouths and nose, and freaking out. It was AWESOME!

The moral of the story: sometimes the key to surviving teaching is about messing with the little hooligans :)

A Paralyzing Question Part II

So, I've been thinking a lot about what exactly is SO paralyzing about that obedience question. The typical, Sunday School thought is that if you are always obedient to God's commands that you never have to worry about the consequences of disobedience. But, I have to say that there have not been a lot of times in my life when I have felt a direct command to do (or not do) something. I feel like I live most of my "Christian walk" under the general revelation detailed in the Bible (ie. don't gossip, don't lie, love God, love others etc). And don't get me wrong, there's plenty to worry myself about there. But as far as specific-to-me revelation about career paths, what I should do with my life, where I should live, how I should date, etc God has always been strangely silent, despite all my asking for otherwise. So, my instinct is to do nothing out of fear of doing the wrong thing (which we already established can have some serious and long lasting effects!).

After coming out of Egypt, the Israelites headed for the Promised Land. Upon arrival, God told them to send in some spies to check out the land they were supposed to get. When they got back, all but 2 of them were freaked out by the people who lived there and had no faith that they could defeat the locals. Their fear was contagious to all the people and so they didn't go in and claim what had been promised them. As a result of their lack of faith and disobedience they had to wander around the desert for 40 years until all the scaredy cats died off. But even when they finally did go in, they weren't completely successful. Their lack of faithfulness in those first decisions in a lot of ways pretty much set the stage for the whole rest of the Old Testament and all of the disobedience, disloyalty, and idolotry that happen later on.

I seriously struggle with this story in several ways. First, I don't really understand why it is that God commanded Moses to send a scouting party. I don't understand the point. If the land has been promised, and the right thing to do is to have faith and go in their with guns blazing, why mess with scouts? After all, the report back shouldn't have mattered. If the report had come back that the Canaanites were all a bunch of wimps, they probably would have forgotten about being dependant on God and He would have let them get beat out of spite. So was it a test of faith? As in, if you don't have the kind of faith it's going to take to claim your birthright, you're not ready and you've got some wanderin' to do?
I also go back and forth between inpatient exasperation and pity for the Israelites. On one hand they had a very clear set of instructions for what to do. God HIMSELF was traveling with them in a cloud/fire situation (a very visual presence, by the way), he was speaking to them in a clear way that left little room for doubt, AND they had just been delivered from Egypt and seen some A-MAZING miracles. Yet that still wasn't enough. On the other hand, I can identify with them so well. Who hasn't doubted God's faithfulness or trusted his goodness from time to time? Even when remembering the things he's done in the past? Who hasn't wavered in their faith and listened to the people around them?

I guess my fear is that I will be standing on the edge of my promised land (whatever it is) and that God will instruct me to take it, but between my feeling of overwhelm-ment and fear, coupled with my natural inclination for wandering, I will miss the rather obvious talking cloud in front of me.

A paralyzing question

So I've been thinking about obedience off and on this week. Sunday I was back at my parents' church and the pastor spoke about God giving 2nd chances. He was talking specifically about Saul. At some point Saul screwed up so badly that God said that none of his descendants would rule the throne after him. BUT he didn't say that Saul couldn't finish his reign. In other words, there were consequences for his actions (he wouldn't have a kingly line) but he could still be used. It reminded me of Moses - how his disobedience kept him out of the Promised Land but he was still able to lead the people and be God's spokesman. Anyway, God gives Saul a 2nd chance and says, "Hey, go kill the Amalekites. Don't leave any trace of them, kill everyone, even all the cows, sheep, etc." So Saul goes and they win, but they save the king Agag and they save all the best sheep and cows. Saul tries to tell Samuel that he saved the livestock for sacrifice but you kind of get the impression that he's full of it...as in Samuel's response might have been..."Riiiiight....suuuure it's for sacrifices..." The most interesting thing to me about this sermon is that he said that Hamon, the bad guy in the book of Esther who tried to wipe out all of the Jews was an Agagite! He was a descendant from the king Agag, the king that Saul had disobediently spared!!!

That evening I went to a small group and they talked about Josiah and how he "cleaned house" and got rid of the idols and the priests and brought back the word of God. As we read the passage, it struck me that Josiah started rocking the boat around the age of 20. It's always hard to go against contemporary wisdom, but even fewer people will listen to you when you're just a punk whippersnapper that thinks you know better than your parents' generation! Then 6 years later the Book of the Law was found. SIX YEARS!!! I don't know if I could hold to my convictions and be obedient without having any kind of validation for 6 years. I would start to wonder if those convictions I'd had were real, or it was all just in my head. I would have some serious doubts and I think I would struggle with having low approval ratings. Unfortunately 2 Chronicles doesn't mention anything about an internal struggle, so we don't know how difficult obedience was for Josiah, but I like to think that people in the Bible had the same struggles that I do. Though God didn't change his mind about the punishment the Israelites had already earned for themselves (an all expense paid trip to Babylon!) Josiah died before they were taken and was spared. Again, tt doesn't say this, but I can't help but think that one of the main results from his obedience was the rejuvenation of the Remnant. Because of what he had done, the people of Judah were prepared to go to exile because the Word of God had been renewed in their hearts. Had Josiah not been obedient, I don't know that that generation of Israelites (including Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego) would have had a good understanding of the one true God and history could have been much different.

So as far reaching as Saul's disobedience was, so was Josiah's obedience in the other direction. The funny thing is that neither of them had any idea of the ramifications of their actions. So, the question is, what ripples will my actions today have?

Be My One Thing

So...I'm new to this blogging thing. Perhaps I will be more consistant with this than I have been in the past with journaling. I have to say that I've always liked the idea of journaling more than the act of it. Most of the time when I write in a journal I think about someone reading it someday. In reality, as far as I know, I'm the only person that's ever read them. I have to say that they have been less than inspiring. I'm always kind of embarrassed at the words on the page that bear my hand writing, and yet here I am using more words. Except now, it's not in the privacy of a journal that collects dust on my night stand, but the public and possibly perilously vast internet. But, ready or not, here we go...

It's not really an uncommon thing. You hear a song on the radio and it instantly throws you back in time; the photo album in your head comes alive and you're immersed in a memory. Growing up my dad played a lot of different music so this is something I'm fairly familiar with. There's one song in particular though that often rings through my head on it's own. It's an old Rich Mullins song called "My One Thing." The lyrics are below but the basic gyst of the song is a desire to put God first in everything and above all else, to come to the true, soul deep realization that I don't need anything more than what God provides.

I'm not sure if it's a side effect of living in a fallen world, if it's a discontent spirit, or if it's just bad habits but I seem to struggle on a continual basis to remember that the God of my childhood Sunday School lessons is truly taking care of me. Of course I know it to be true in my head and there seems to be limitless divine reminders, but I'm always returning to a state of worry. Worry about the future, finances, about family, career, about lonlieness and anything else that I can't control. The truth is, though, that most of the things I worry about are not necessarily eternal. I get caught up in my life and I lose sight of God's love and purpose for my life. I can't help but believe that if I ever truly understood the depth and height and width of His love that faith would come easier. So my prayer continues to be, "Be my one thing."

My One Thing
Everybody I know says they need just one thing
And what they really mean is that they need just one thing more
And everybody seems to think they've got it coming
Well I know that I don't deserve You
Still I want to love and serve You more and more
You're my one thing

Save me from those things that might distract me
Please take them away and purify my heart
I don't want to lose the eternal for the things that are passing
'Cause what will I have when the world is gone
If it isn't for the love that goes on and on

You're my one thing You're my one thing
And the pure in heart shall see God

Who have I in Heaven but You Jesus?
And what better could I hope to find down here on earth?
I could cross the most distant reaches Of this world,
But I'd just be wasting my time
'Cause I'm certain already, I'm sure I'd find You're my one thing