Big Girl Pants

Yesterday was my last day as a first year teacher (in public school anyway, and let's face it...that's pretty much what counts). I cannot tell you how happy I am to be here. I can honestly say that this year has been one of the most challenging of my life. I've never really known for certain if this is where I'm supposed to be. Frankly, I'm not real clear on how God does the whole "I'm placing you here for (fill in the blank) reason, and here's how you know" thing. Whether He had this place specifically in mind or if He wanted me somewhere else and I missed the memo (seems unlikely and a little cruel to think that He would decide to play hide and seek with it if it was so important) I don't know. Regardless, because He's God and He's bigger than any possible mistake I could make, He was still able to work in me and (hopefully) through me. I am so grateful for this.

In a lot of ways I think that the reoccuring theme Author and Finisher of my faith has woven through this year has been about trusting His love and faithfulness. I'm not sure why I am the way that I am, but I REALLY don't like feeling out of control or un-secure. A few weeks ago I chaperoned a field trip to the City Museum in St Louis where a kid dared me to try out the human hamster wheel with her. Not wanting to look like the big sissy that I am, I did it. I was fine until I realized that I had somehow managed to get myself UPSIDE DOWN!!!! She was running like a normal person, but I was running (feeling out of control) with my hands along the "floor" and my feet along the top/side. Like an ninny, I panicked and said, "we need to stop, we need to stop, WE NEED TO STOP!!!!!" Honestly, what was the worst that could have happened to me? I mean, really? I'm glad that I put my big girl pants on and did it, even if I may have embarrassed myself a little there at the end, but I wish I was more naturally adventurous. I wish I didn't always have to fight fear, whether justified or not.

I think that the same part of me that doesn't like being out of control physically also buckles at the idea of unknown. Frankly, I don't know if there's anything I dislike more than change. Usually it's because I can't imagine the new thing being better than what I've had and I'm sad for what I'm leaving behind and scared for what lies ahead. The move I made last summer to start a teaching career was much more bitter than sweet. Not only was I moving to an unknown place (hadn't even seen the house I was moving into!), but by January both of my younger brother had plans to move too. My close knit family that had never lived outside the same county was scattering all at once. Furthermore, I was struggling to accept my singleness and have trust about my future and was failing miserably. When I started my classes, I was faced with a challenging group of students that pushed me in a way I didn't know I could sustain. Yet, here I am at the end of that school year. And God has provided. I don't know if this year has been one big object lesson for me, as in "Remember how I took care of you back in 2010? Do you REALLY think I wouldn't take care of you now?" Maybe. I just know that I'm grateful that He's so present in my life and that He's always providing for my needs, even when I don't have a good understanding of what they are. Psalms 62:11-12 says, "One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving." What an amazing, awesome, capable, trustworthy God we serve!

Father, may I continue to find rest in you. Thank you for the reassurances, thank you for the gift of salvation that makes me your child and makes me unshakable when I'm leaning on you. Thank you for being a strong God that is mighty to save, strong enough to handle anything. Thank you for being trustworthy. Your love endures forever. YOU, O GOD, ARE STRONG, AND YOU, O GOD, ARE LOVING!!!!!!


Psalm 62
My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
How long will you assault a man?
Would all of you throw him down—
this leaning wall, this tottering fence?
They fully intend to topple him from his lofty place;
they take delight in lies.
With their mouths they bless, but in their hearts they curse.
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
Lowborn men are but a breath,
the highborn are but a lie;
if weighed on a balance, they are nothing;
together they are only a breath.
Do not trust in extortion or take pride in stolen goods;
though your riches increase, do not set your heart on them.
One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard:
that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving.
Surely you will reward each person according to what he has done.

Thanks Dad! :)

I don't know if it's a girl thing, or if it's just a me thing, but I've been realizing just how much I appreciate feeling taken care of and provided for. In my parents' driveway tonight as I was getting ready to make the trip back home I noticed that my Dad had filled up my car with gas when he had driven it earlier today. I thought, "Aw, that's so sweet! Thanks Dad!" It wasn't until a couple hours down the road that I realized he'd cleaned my windows too. For some reason this was too much. I actually cried. I think it's because I know that that's just Dad being Dad - taking care of me in little ways that remind me that he cares.

About half an hour later I was in the middle of reminding myself that God is a provider God, a God who can be trusted to do what He says He's going to do, and be who He says He's going to be when I turned a corner and saw the most B-E-A-UTIFUL (!) sunset I've seen in a long time. It was breathtaking and miraculous and waiting around that corner for me. It was as if God was hearing all my confused mutterings about His own nature and decided to shush me. It was the "picture worth a thousand words" that basically said, "Be still and KNOW (deep, deep down to marrow) that I am God (and I've got it ALL under control)." Then, the road curved around about 10miles later so that I got a whole other sunset. The Ozarks being what they are, I had lost my bearings a little and thought that the sunset was behind me, so when I saw a different, though just as beautiful, sunset, it took my breath away in surprise and wonder. The only thing that came to mind was the word "lavish" - I felt lavished upon.

I know that they seem small, sunsets and washed windows, but they both served as reminders of my Father's love. Reminders that God, like my earthly Dad, takes care of me when I'm not looking just for the simple reason that He loves me.


Wow.



How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called CHILDREN of God! And that is what we are! I John 3:1

A Cracked Vessel

So, I just ran across a blog post that posed an interesting question. It said, "Does God have the right to crack the vessel if breaking it is the fastest way to share what He poured into us?" Because I'm kind of having a cracktastic day, I have to say that my immediate response is to cross my arms in a full pity party toddler fashion, stick my lower lip out and and say, "NO!" "God DOESN'T have a right to do that! What He has poured into me is for ME! And besides, I don't LIKE being cracked." We won't even go into how flawed that response is, but if my mom were here she'd probably be belting out some Linda Ronstadt. As it turns out, it's pretty hard to have a proper "feel-sorry-for-me" session when the person who's supposed to be sympathesizing is singing "Poor, poor pitiful me!" over you.

My second response to the quote, was the realization that even though I'm cracking right and left, the things that are leaking out are not exactly holy. It's bitterness and negativity and distrust. Even though I would probably be justified to feel those things, it's certainly not Love, or Joy, or Patience, or Self Control. Furthermore, if that's not coming out, then what's the point? I've been missing opportunities and due to my self focus the people in my life I have stewardship over haven't seen the Father reflected in me (or if they have, it's been through no effort on my part). I think that's the most "cracking" realization of all.