There have only been three times in my life that I've felt like I've heard an audible voice of God. Over the years that I've been walking this journey of faith I've definitely known that God was speaking to me, either through his Spirit (something I don't always fully understand) through the Bible, even at times through other people. However, as far as an audible (and perhaps borderline schizophrenic) voice goes, it's only happened a few times. I don't know how God works in other peoples' lives, I don't know if these experiences are unique to me, or if they're even all that theologically deep. But I do know that it's MY experience. MY relationship. The first time I heard God's voice, He sounded like Forest Gump. The 2nd time, it sounded like a stage direction on a movie set. The 3rd time...well, I'll get to that. Even though these experiences might not mean much to anyone else, or seem very profound, I can't help but think of these times as both significant and precious.
The first time I heard God speak, I was 16. It was a Christ in Youth conference over Christmas Break in Denver, Colorado. One night during worship there was some song (or maybe several songs) about God's love for us. I can't remember what the song was, but during this worship service I became overwhelmed with my inadequacies and imperfection and High School level of insecurities. So in the middle of this Jesus-Loves-You-Fest I remember sitting down and crying out to God over and over again, "WHY do you love me?" And He answered. In Forest Gump there's a scene when Jenny asks Forest the same question. "Why do you love me Forest?" and he says simply, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world, "Because you're my girl." This was what I heard my Father say to me that night. "Because you're my girl."
I have thought about that moment many times since then and I have concluded that if I didn't hear anything else from God for the rest of my life, that this would be enough. In this I have found my identity. Who am I? I am a child of God Almighty, loved and cherished not because of anything I've done, but simply because I'm his girl. And there's nothing that I can do to mess it up. This is a truth that I've clung to when I've started to feel insecure or insignificant, when the devil tries to tell me lies about who I am and what I'm worth. It's a truth that I've come to know and embrace bone deep, something God wanted me to understand so intimately that he SPOKE.
The second time that I heard the voice of God I was 21. It was my Senior year in college and I was driving home. I don't remember the details of the day, I don't even remember if it had been a good day or a trying one. But on my way home, I suddenly realized that I was in the middle of a perfect moment. There was a song on my radio that was meaningful, I had the windows down and the weather was just right, the sun was setting, and even though I was in the middle of the city, the road cut through the middle of a hay field through which the wind was gently blowing. Suddenly a small flock of geese came out from their hiding place and flew low and magestically over the road a few yards in front of my car. And I heard a non Forrest Gump sounding voice say as if speaking into a megaphone from a director's chair, "Cue the Geese."
A friend of mine would say that it was Jesus romancin' me. I don't know if that's the message here, but I know that it made me smile. And it reminded me that God provides good gifts for his children. He also seeks to share intimate moments with me that maybe no one else understands because it was never intended for anyone else BUT me. Looking back I think this may have been the beginning of my true understanding of what it means to have a PERSONAL relationship with Christ. Since then, I've had several "Cue the geese" moments where in my busy-ness it hits me that I've just stumbled into something special God has prepared just for me to experience and I remember to be still. and KNOW that He's God.
The 3rd time I heard God's voice was two weeks ago. Before I can tell this story, I have to tell another story first. For the past few months God has been teaching me about his amazing ability to provide. He's been showing me how to trust in his provision instead of assuming that I can take care of everything on my own. The way he's been showing me this is (I think) the most painful way of all - through money. For quite awhile I hadn't been very obedient in tithing. However, a few months ago, I came to a point where I couldn't be unfaithful any more. So, I trusted and I've been less than joyfully writing the checks. And it's been hard. Yet, so far, I've been able to make it every month. Though, the month before last was REALLY tight. In fact, I was a week away from payday and I was out of money. But it was going to be OK...I had food in my kitchen and gas in my car, so I was going to make it. That is, until I started my "special time." And I realized I was going to run out of supplies before the end of the week. I began to worry about what I would do, until the day before I was scheduled to run out, I received tampons in the mail! Who ever in their LIFE has heard of tampons coming in the mail?!?!? But there they were: packaged and beautiful in my mailbox. I couldn't believe it. It wasn't mountais moving before my very eyes, but God had met my very physical need in a very concrete way that I never would have imagined much less asked for. Because he's good like that. Because He's a Father who is faithful and provides and takes care of His children.
So fast forward to 2 weeks ago. I was at church and apparently it was the day to have one of those weird, because you're a girl, emotional breakdown moments. In part, it was due to the exhaustion that comes at the end of an extended time of having a jam packed schedule and you can finally catch your breath. However, it was also due to reaching a point of choosing surrender, realizing that surrender sometimes means a sadness if God rightfully says no to something you want, but also experiencing the peace that comes in knowing that God is worthy of trust and that He's faithful. So I sat feeling overwhelmed, at peace, loved, at rest, surrendered, taken care of and balling my eyes out because I was just overflowing. In that moment, I felt Jesus sitting beside me, just chillin'. Not worried at all about my girl craziness. Just listening to the music. Being near. Then there was some line in the song about how holy He is, or how He is worthy or whatever, and I heard Him ponder, "I wonder why they don't write songs about my tampon delivery service?" I died laughing. It was one of those crying, laughing moments that cannot be flattering to watch, but I loved him so much for it. I loved that he wasn't worried about me, because he understood exactly where I was, and that this crying business would pass. I loved that He reminded me of his ability to provide and the love that causes him to do so. I loved that he made me laugh and that this joke was between me and him and it's us. Most of all, it made it finally click (in my heart, not my head) that if it's just me and Him and no husband, no family, no whatever else we'll be just fine.
